I Was There All Along

“Attention is the beginning of devotion.”

— Mary Oliver

At the start of 2016 my divorce was finalized. It wasn’t something I wanted or was prepared for, but I made it through with grit and grace, and for that I celebrated.

My word for 2016 was commitment. A new commitment made now that my marriage was ended. This time to myself and the new life I was creating for myself and my two kids. I wanted to stay committed to my supportive practices and to showing up in new ways out in the world as I began to create a livelihood.

The idea of supporting myself financially after having stayed home to raise our children was daunting, and ultimately was where my greatest lessons for the year would lie.

I began by looking at my money story (past and present) to uncover and shed any blocks that might impede my desire and ability to bring in money. I looked at expenses and sources of income and considered finally creating a budget. Instead, I meditated, worked with energy healers, and continued to work on growing my voice and my offerings for my online coaching business. I also went to work—a part-time job at our local health and wellness store landed in my lap at the end of 2015.My relationship to commitment helped support me in lots of new ventures—teaching a weekly yoga class, redesigning my website, offering new workshops and an e-course, and running a girl’s summer sew camp with my daughter.And yet I continued to have a gnawing fear about what lay ahead for the three of us once my spousal support term ended. With this financial fear at the forefront, I struggled to access the level of freedom and creativity I desired, and needed, to create a flexible career that allowed me both to support us financially and be available to my children.

My focus was on what I feared I didn’t have enough of—money, or the ability to earn enough of it.

Thankfully, my word of the year kept me going, kept me committed, especially when I encountered the setbacks and curveballs (or gifts and lessons) that are so often part of daily living.Towards the end of the year, I revisited The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. The premise of the book is that underneath all of our plans, dreams and goals lives our core desired feelings. Rather than waiting until we reach our big goals to feel the way we want to feel, we can begin with uncovering our core desired feelings and create our life from there.As a creativity coach (and an intrinsically creative human being—we all are!), I love this idea. Unfortunately, the practice itself had remained just that—an idea. Reading the book for the second time, I was inspired yet again. But I couldn’t put my finger on my true core desired feelings. Don’t get me wrong. I could name some desirable feelings, but they didn’t hit me at my core. The three that came up for me were free, creative, and love. But there was something deeper. Something underneath, from which these three sprang forth.In the last days of December, I simply asked myself, “What do you want to feel more than anything else right now?” And the answer came.

I want to feel supported.

That was it. It hit me like a benevolent bolt of lightening, right to the very core of me. Everything became clear. Here is my dynamic epiphany:

I know how to support myself beautifully already in countless small, meaningful ways, and I do it every day.

Each decision (large or small), how I spend my time, the energy I surround myself with, the thoughts in my head. Support isn’t just about how much I earn. Suddenly I saw exactly how to support myself, right now. For starters, I took care of the dangerously slippery front porch stairs, so I could stop worrying that one of us might get hurt. Next up, I paid my yearly small biz tax. I no longer want to avoid the things that best support me!With my newly shifted focus, my confidence in myself grew, and I could see the endless ways I already support myself (and my kids). And I’m inspired to find more. Even writing that sentence, I’m beaming. I finally feel like someone has my back again. This time, it’s me. And I’m not going anywhere!In fact, I’ve been here all along—growing, learning, and supporting myself. The best part of realizing this is that I fell deeply in love with myself for the very first time.For all you newly single moms out there afraid that you don’t know how to support yourself—you do!Sometimes you just aren’t paying attention to what has been there all along. How can you change that? You can start by writing a list of the last five ways you’ve supported yourself today (or this week, or this month). Maybe it’s filling your gas tank, finishing all your grocery shopping for the week, giving yourself some extra sleep, or eating your greens.Be your own Prince Charming and watch yourself fall in love with YOU. This is just another aspect of ourselves that we can access whenever we want. Ask yourself throughout the day, “Is this thought, activity, food, relationship, job, environment, supporting me? If not, what can I do that will?”

You deserve to be your own best support. How will you support yourself today?